I am in the same league as a lot of them.

Bon and Muthu are far more progressive. Chances are, so are Henry and An An. A bit of chances goes for Wai Keet and Siuk Mun and Shou Yean having completed a lot of their portion.

But still, I am in the same league as a lot of them.

There's Logen who's making progress, but I can catch up in no time.

There's Farah who's almost done, but she's probably not doing it all that well.

And then there are those useless girl who are in the same league, namely Ef, Yan, Nod, Za, Dhi, Sya, Sya, As, Ba.

And I think all I have to do, is start. Then catch up. I'm gonna look up all the reading materials and actually read today and make a draft. By tomorrow I'll be writing it all already.

What I want to do before I work

What I want to do before I marry

What I want to do before I graduate:






































xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

I'll try to buy my phone today under the pretention that tomorrow would be dangerous for me if I can't contact home/friends during my journey to ukm. I'll finish off dr khai's assignment and send it today before midnight. I'll finish reading dr rokiah's notes by tonight, midnight, too.

I'll be packing my bag before midnight. I'll be clearing up my money. I won't eat anything at all today and I will drink 8 glasses of water and not sprite. At precisely 10 pm I will do the Regimen.

At precisely 12, I'll write down the Plan. Tomorrow, I'll execute it.

I am fucked, by all means.

Here are the things I need to do before raya:

1) Poster (monday)
2) Exam elan (16 - wednesday)
3) proposal (17 - thursday)

so my plan is this.

finish my poster and proposal slides by tonight at 12 pm.

plan:

1) dr khai's assignment
2) journal
3) library

by 12 pm

I want to cuss badly but I have not the time.

Well, funk.
it is now the 15th of ramadhan. I failed to do much during the first 15 days of ramadhan. I'll outline my plan for the 15 upcoming days:

1) Sahur 1L of water + fruits/vegetables/one chicken/one fish/oat/weetameal and nothing else.
2) Berbuka with as little nasi as possible + egg/chicken/fish + vegetables

3) Wait for bus 30 mins before class / start walking to fst 15 mins before class starts
4) Only read story books during bus waiting
5) Do jadual at 11 pm every single night

6) Mathurat after sahur+mathurat before berbuka
7) Dhuha every day pref. at 10 am
8) Taubah + Hajat every day at 4 am
9) Tarawih 8 rakaats every day. 20 rakaats at least once
10) One page of quran + translation after every prayer

11) Talk to kyle less than an hour a day - TIMED
12) Sleep 11.50 - 4 am
13) No sleeping more than an hour during the day
14) No masturbation at all, except night and timed (10)
15) Timed fantasy (15 only at night)
16) Timed facebook/WB (5 only at night)
17) Timed entertainment (60 only at night)

17) Fast from talking, remind every one hour using watch

18) Fail list after solat at 4 am
19) Exercise - if can, after solat

Like Marianne, I want to resolve to be like Elinor. Less sensibility, more sensible.

The more I check my email, the more I ask about him, the more I think about him, the least likely I am to finish my work, and the least likely I am to be strong to cut off contact for 30 days, the stronger my desire to contact him, and also, ultimately, the less likely I am to be OK.

I just wanna be OK. I just wanna be normal.

The more I eat, the more and more my life would be unstable. I won't find a boyfriend with a fat body. I will find no satisfaction in life. I will always be self conscious, lacking of self esteem. I will never change. Activeness, appearance, those matter to me. Maybe they matter more than they should, but I cannot cast away their significance just like that. So they will always play a huge part in shaping me as a person, yes, because I let them, I am just human with tendencies and stupidity. The more I eat, and my life will never be consistent. I will never be OK.

The less I smile, the less happy I am.

The more I put off my work and the more I put off meeting Firdaus for my thesis, the less love and appreciation I will feel for it, and also, less understanding. I will never be driven if I don't start now. This is going to be the thing that completes my undergraduate life. My stepping stone into a proper academician. This is supposed to open my eyes. Make me inquisitive ad systematic in my thinking as a scietist. This is supposed to be something I cherish and love. Not abhor.

The more I put off, the later my life would be stable.

The less I exercise, the less energy I have to face the days. The less speedy my weight loss would work. The less likely I am to get a boyfriend. The less I will be satisfied with myself. More sadness about my weight issue. That will continue for years and year, like the years it had.

Focus. Put your energy where it belongs. This is your chance. Don't blow it.

Bless you for your anger.
For it is a sign of rising energy.
Direct not to your family, waste not on your enemy.
Transform the energy to versatility
And it will bring you prosperity.

Bless you for your sorrow
For it is a sign of vulnerability.
Share not with your family, direct not to yourself.
Transform the energy to sympathy
And it will bring you love.

Bless you for your greed
For it is a sign of great capacity.
Direct not to your family. Direct not to the world.
Transform the energy to giving.
Give as much as you wish to take,
And you will receive satisfaction.

Bless you for your jealousy
For it is a sign of empathy
Direct not to your family, direct not to your friends.
Transform the energy to admiration
And what you admire
Will become part of your life

Bless you for your fear
For it is a sign of wisdom.
Do not hold yourself in fear.
Transform the energy to flexibility
And you will be free
From what you fear.

Bless you for your search of direction
For it is a sign of aspiration.
Transform the energy to receptivity
And the direction will come to you.

Bless you for the times you see evil.
Evil is energy mishandled and it feeds on your support.
Feed not and it will self-destruct.
Shed light and it will cease to be.

Bless you for the times you feel no love.
Open your heart to life anyway
and in time you will find
love in you.

Bless you, bless you, bless you.
Bless you for what you are.
You are a sea of goodness, a sea of love.
Count your blessings every day for they are your protection
Which stands between you and what you wish not.
Count your curses and they will be a wall
Which stands between you and what you wish.

The world has all that you need
And you have the power
to attract what you wish.
Wish for health, wish for joy.
Remember you are loved.

And I want to improve. How? =(

I lied to my parents that I have class this coming weekend. Truth is, I've been procrastinating so much, so many days, that it becomes imperative for me to have more free time to spend doing my thesis. The 8 hour journey back home seems a little too much. So I told both of them I cannot go home, because I am forced to attend a class that in truth doesn't even exist.

I'm so messed up. I'm a bad person. This is all there is to me right now.

Giving in to feel good: Why self-regulation fails

"Giving in to feel good" is the first part of the title of an important paper written by Dianne Tice and Ellen Bratslavsky (complete reference below). Anyone interested in knowing more about issues of the self and self-regulation should search out resources, and there are plenty, written by Dianne Tice or Roy Baumeister, or their students. I have quoted Roy's work before, and I will again given his prolific prominence as a psychologist.

Procrastinators will tell you that the task they're facing (avoiding) is difficult, and it creates bad feelings like anxiety or general emotional distress. Putting off the task at hand is an effective way of regulating this mood. Avoid the task, avoid the bad mood. This is what Tice and Bratslavsky refer to as "giving in to feel good." We give in to the impulse to walk away in order to feel good right now. Learning theorists would even add that we have now reinforced this behavior as the decrease in anxiety is rewarding.

Of course, this short-term strategy has long-term costs. The last-minute efforts that become necessary when we put off the task usually mean a sub-standard job overall (although not always, and this is a classic reward to the procrastinator and very memorable). More importantly, as Tice and Bratslavsky explain, "the final and overall level of negative affect is likely to be even greater than if the person has worked on the task all along" (p. 152). We actually feel worse later!

In fact, earlier research conducted by Tice & Baumeister across two academic terms demonstrated that procrastination caught up to students in the second term. Whereas in the first term, the non-procrastinators were more stressed, by second term the costs of procrastination became obvious for the procrastinators in terms of course performance, stress and illness.

The message of their research is clear. Putting off a task to control immediate mood results in problems later. They demonstrate this across a number of domains as I noted earlier, including eating, drinking, smoking, gambling, shopping and procrastination. When we give primacy to addressing our emotional distress, we usually do so at the cost of self-regulatory failure. They summarize this key idea with,
"People will engage in behaviors that may be self-destructive (gambling, excessive shopping, overeating, smoking, procrastinating) if the behaviors make them feel better in the short term. Thus, emotion regulation may have a special place in the field of self-control, because emotion regulation takes precedence over other self-control behaviors and even undermines other self-control efforts" (p. 154).

The message to each of us should be clear as well. If we focus on our feelings in the short term, we'll undermine ourselves in the long run.
I've been teaching my 3-year-old daughter this. A typical "lesson" goes something like this.

Me: "Sweetie, it's time to pick up your toys before we go."
[Mood now visibly changing.]
L: "I don't feel like it. I don't want to."
Me: "Sweetie, according to Dianne Tice and Ellen Bratslavsky it's not the best strategy to focus on your feelings now, it's . . . sweetie?? Where are you?"

Ok, so it is about delay of gratification, and we do (should) learn this early in life. But, the evidence seems to show that we all can (and do) act like 3-year-olds at times.

In fact, we may spend a lifetime acting like a 3-year-old, and rationalizing it to ourselves the whole time. I don't feel like it. I need to feel better in order to act. First, I need to feel better.

No you don't.

In fact, your feelings will follow your behaviors. Progress on that task will improve your mood.

For example, new research where introverts are instructed to act extraverted shows that the introverts who act extraverted also feel happier (an affective advantage of extraverts). We'll talk about this more in the near future.

For now, the message is, don't give in to feeling good, get going instead - don't delay!

Reference
Tice, D.M., & Bratslavsky, E. (2000). Giving in to feel good: The place of emotion regulation in the context of general self-control. Psychological Inquiry, 11, 149-159.

First plan
Not checking trash: FAILED (checked five times) *
Not mention his name: SUCCESS


Second plan - period

Third plan
Mathurat twice: SUCCESS

Fourth plan
Quran at least one page: SUCCESS

Fifth plan
Prn give up:SUCCESS

Sixth plan
Facebook & Yahoo games: SUCCESS

Seventh plan
Soften voice: FAILED

Eighth plan
Call mama: FAILED. Plan to call tomorrow at 10 pm

Ninth plan
No entertainment at all during fasting: FAILED MISERABLY **

Tenth plan
Breakfast: SUCCESS
Lunch: SUCCESS
Dinner: FAILED ***
Snack: FAILED MISERABLY (famous amos) ****


Notes:

* I couldn't take it. It was so easy to click that button. To just click trash and see if he is desperate enough to email me. He never even called. On one hand I felt like I couldn't care less. I'll get used to it if this goes on, and I'll succeed in getting over him. On the other hand, I am so used to talking to him and getting his attention. Kinda weird not being totally adored by him. I kept clicking and clicking trash. And met with something resembling disappointment again and again. I can only hope that I will be much stronger tomorrow. If I am not, at least I want to just read the title and then delete it. If there are no emails, I want to at least be ok with it.

** Right. Starting from tomorrow, I will be much more careful. Promise. No more ellen or dev patel or jennifer aniston. What stupidity.

***I had to eat with Efa. I ate rice, lots of vegetables, and fish. This wouldn't have been a mistake if not for --

****--Anis going out and buying me Famous Amos. Double choc and macadamia. So far I've eaten half of double choc. I am feeling stressed, so that macadamia packet seems very attractive. But I'll postpone eating it. I won't eat it before 5 am tomorrow. Have some self control, here.

I hope every single day during Ramadhan, I can read the previous post in full, and realize I've done everything right. The thing is, I figured, whatever I do today on the first day of Ramadhan will definitely set the standards I will adhere to for the rest of the month. For tomorrow, for 10th Ramadhan, for 15th, for 30th. If I eat a lot today, tomorrow I will not be able to say no to the same habit. So today is crucial. Today my standard has to be very high.

I need to finish the bread by 24th. There are still 8 of them. So four today, four tomorrow. That means I'm eating the bread and nothing else. Plain bread, here I come.

I can't lose to misjudgment. I cannot lose to nafsu. This is going to be a Ramadhan that changes me.

And when the temptation gets too strong, I'll postpone the thing for another hour. And when that hour comes, I'll try hard to make it into another hour. That is a promise I am making, to myself.

Ramadhan is here again. The 21st ramadhan I'm meeting in my life since I was born. 21 times, I've had the priviledge of going through this month; give or take about 13 times I've fasted and done tarawikh. I was 9 when I threw away all my albums during ramadhan, making it 12 times where I've had serious plans whenever Ramadhan comes in. Suffice to say, none of my Ramadhan after I was 9 was as good as I think would be approved by Allah, because I have troubles keeping to my promises and plans.

And this ramadhan, I have BIG plans. Naturally it scares me that I might not be able to fulfill it, but what is the harm in planning.

First of all, most significant of them all, I plan to fast from my best friend, my potential lover, K G. And I am suffering from that now, after just one day. I plan to keep a journal to detail my feelings in going through this. I hope something good comes out of this.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

To do that, I need to promise myself that:

One: I am never, ever checking Trash. *

Two: I will never pick up his calls no matter how often he calls me, and I will delete his number as soon as I get his calls.

Three: I will not mention his name at all to anyone. Not Farah, or Yana, or any other housemates. No one. Not Bon.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

My second plan is to complete all tarawih, and do at least one night of 21 rakaats.

My third plan is to read mathurat twice a day every day.

My forth plan is to read the Quran's meaning every day, at least one page.

My fifth plan is to give up prn altogether.

My sixth plan is to give up facebook and yahoo games.

My seventh plan is to soften my voice all the time when talking.

My eighth plan is to call my mom once a week and endure whatever kind of conversation we will have.

My ninth plan is to not breach 30 minutes worth of entertainment every unfasting moment.

My tenth plan is to lose weight. **


Note

* (kyle's emails automatically goes there). I'll delete all my facebook, friendster thingies too. I'm only allowing myself to look at the TITLES. nothing else. as for kyle's, not even the title. nothing. I won't check trash UNTIL it's raya eve.

** Only eat properly while buka puasa, and not for sahur. Sahur is to be light. Buka puasa is to be moderate.

** Exercise everyday.

You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul
And you'll never know
the gift you've given me
I'll carry it with me, yeah

Through all the days ahead
I think of days before
You made me hope for something better
and made me reach for something more

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Help me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love
Is the music of my heart

You were the one
Always on my side
Always standing by
Seeing me through

You were the song that always made me sing
I'm singing this for you
Everywhere I go
I think of where I've been
And of the one who knew me better
Than anyone ever will again

What you taught me
Only your love could ever teach me
You got through when no one could reach me before
'Cus you always saw in me
All the best that I could be
It was you who set me free

Is the music of my heart

In those nights that even words can't describe
you had told me with honesty
that those lukewarm vines that entangle me
are just an illusion.

Give me a heart,
it’s okay if it’s made by your hands
If you have a place where I can cry
it’s okay even if I can’t see the stars

Your voice that calls me out
always turns into sadness
In such a way you have bared my weakness
cause in such a way, inevitably
you've proven my need for you
Because if you can’t touch me
it’s as if I'm nothing at all

There were days when I was alone
Please tie me up
until memories of those time have faded far away
so that I have nothing more to wish for

My emotions have been filled to the brim
I'm shivering a little
before my eyes
the past is flooding and resounding .

In a miraculous moment
I’ll abandon this skin
In such a way I'm reminded of my weakness
cause in such a way, inevitably,
It's proven that I need you
Because if you can’t touch me
it’s as if I’m nothing at all

All uncountable significances interrupt me
Even now, at this moment
I'm still unsure of my worthiness

Your voice that calls me out
always turns into sadness
In such a way you have bared my weakness
cause in such a way, inevitably
you've proven my need for you
Because if you can’t touch me
it’s as if we're nothing at all

Because if you can’t touch me
it’s as if I’m nothing at all

10-apple
10.40-orange
11.20-apple
12-orange
4-apple
4.30-orange
5-apple
5.30-orange

When I was a kid, I thought I was beautiful. I thought the world was made for people to admire me. I had male fans. I had the cutest boy I've ever known liking me, peeking over the side-mirror of the van every schooling day to look at me. I set myself to become a model, or a celebrity one day when I would grow up. I saw fashionable women and I thought about the fashion I would decorate myself with when I could buy my own clothes.

When I was a kid, I used to think I was one of the smartest people in any surroundings I was in. I had a bit of an ego about it too. Why not? I received awards for my intelligence, trophies, praises. I was better than him and her. I had immense self confidence that I was gonna grow up and get a big job and lead a corporation.

When I was a kid, I had self confidence. I had self doubt, but the numbers were few and far in between. I believe my first encounter with public nervousness was when I was 12, at Surau Taman Peruda. I think ever since then it was a lot of anxiousness about the public. It was the fear of being judged and not being looked up upon. I don't know what the fuck I am really scared of, though. I compare myself with others, and it doesn't work because I always see my lacks and others' competency. I have almost no self-confidence unless I force myself to face the public and perform or present with a lot of hesitance and fear.

Right now, I am way too fat to believe I am pretty. My way to becoming pretty is very long, and I do not have the determination to concur my laziness of jogging and working out, or my weak will to have fruit days. I have come to believe I can be pretty, but does absolutely nothing to move towards that direction.

Right now, I know I can get good results from exams, but I think I am immensely and thoroughly stupid. I take any project as a challenge that I simply cannot fulfill. I think the world of people who are intelligent, and I bad talk myself with others, telling them I am not smart, please don't say I'm smart. I look at my sister and realize my own life has been one stupid moment after another. I failed SPM harder than I could ever imagine in my whole 16 years of living, then. Big job and corporation leader? I don't want to say that will never happen, but chances are it really won't.

There is no more on that side.

There are no friends, no understanding, no proper connection. All there is, is a reminder of what was bad and stale, of the days of accusations and yells, of an abandoned responsibility on everyone's part, and a mean fight of power on stair's and kyle's part.

There is nothing to feel but hatred, anger, and a bit of jealousy when the website is viewed. Thus, I'm letting it go.

To the Nurul that is going to exist on July 3rd:

Hey, Nurul. So you made that through, huh? I'm still pressured right now, because there's nothing to do. Remember when Katie asks where Hanan is and all you can do is blurt out randomness because you got nervous? We need to get that over with, Nurul.

You should really jog at least one hour every day, Nurul. Discuss that with Jim. Take good care of your skin. And have fruit days once a week.

Most of all, you promised to study, Nurul.